The part of a Christian song that says “We had nothing before we ever met You” summarizes my story beautifully. I didn’t have any self-esteem, didn’t like the person I was, and wished badly to be someone else.
During my secondary school days, I had a list of people I wanted to be like written in my diary. Today, when I come across those names and see the life of some of those people, I thank God that He didn’t answer my prayers.
My self-esteem issues came as a result of the kind of people I met in my senior secondary school and my background. I attended a Community Secondary school during my Junior secondary school days and there, speaking in English was almost a taboo. This is in addition to how terrible the teaching was. It was so bad that you could have one teacher or no teacher at all walk into a class to teach in a whole week without any consequences.
This resulted in the shock I experienced upon beginning my senior secondary school at Science college Ediene-Abak. I met people from very good schools within and outside Akwa Ibom state. I remember an incident during my first year, when my class teacher asked us to mention the name of the Junior schools we attended. When I heard the names of other schools mentioned, I couldn’t mention mine when it was my turn.
Although I could write English, I wasn’t used to speaking English much. And it was a rule in the hostel then that we weren’t to speak any language other than English. So whenever I wanted to speak, I had to calculate what to say, how to say it, the possible questions that may arise, and how I would answer it before I spoke. That being the case, I didn’t talk much or engage in conversations much. I became a pro in listening and was used to nodding a lot. If something wasn’t very important, I wouldn’t say it. I didn’t have friends either. Somehow, I was okay with it because I didn’t want people to find out that I couldn’t express myself. At the same time, I wished I was one of those people that could speak and express themselves well.
They were all not necessarily more intelligent than me. I remember being the best in Further math and chemistry in my second year in senior secondary school, and was well known for that by my classmates. My chemistry teacher used to be so proud of me both within and outside the class. I was also celebrated once during my first year by the whole school. In the words of my principal, “You made us proud.” It was a math and English competition in my Local government (Etim Ekpo) held during the holidays. The first prize was a sports bicycle and it was brought to my school. You would wonder how I came out first being that English was involved in the competition. It was likely because I was good at mathematics, and my score there overshadowed my English score. I could write English well, my only challenge was to speak it. But most importantly, God showed me His favour.
These achievements still didn’t help matters. My dad would always remind me that I was a village champion whenever I went to him with an achievement of any sort. He would tell me that if I wanted to show him I was good, I should go and win in the city. He said I was only winning because I was in the village. My father’s words stuck in my head and I went around life feeling others were better than me or wishing I was them.
A piece of advice to present and future parents: don’t use words like the ones above, example – village champion, to encourage your children to do better than they have done. There are better words to use. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you if you are a Christian.
None of those awards gave me self-esteem. I later found my self-esteem in Christ. How did this happen?
I Thank God for the shepherding structure in God’s Lighthouse. I spoke to my shepherd, Sister F. and another leader, sis T. about my self-esteem struggles. I also battled with the fear of people as I couldn’t talk to or approach certain people. Both sisters instructed me to talk to at least three people who I felt I couldn’t approach after every church meeting day. God crowned it all by making me the follow-up leader in church, and as a leader, I was compelled to talk to a lot of people, both the new members and members of the follow up team. I struggled with it initially but I got better as I continued doing it. Evangelism was another big tool that God used to deliver me from fear of people!
For low self-esteem and self-rejection, I was also given some scriptures on God’s love to study and pray along. The one that was really outstanding to me was Psalm 139:13-14; paraphrasing, “For you created my inmost being, you knit me in my mother’s womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, the sum total of his thoughts are precious to me…”
I had to start seeing myself through the eyes of God and His words and not through the eyes of men. I gradually replaced the words of my father with the words of God as I sat under the water of His word. Knowing I am the King’s betrothed bride and I am to bring Him His desires, I began to understand who I am and low self-esteem disappeared gradually.
I now accept who I am in Christ and I can even tell people my age without any problems. I am 26 years old, and being able to do this is a big deal for me because I was ashamed of my age. Before now, I could almost remove your eyes with my pen if you dared peep into my form while I was trying to fill my data including my birthday.
The many other healings and deliverances I have enjoyed include:
– I have been taught how to fight lust
– I have been healed of ulcers; not just through prayers alone, but through sitting for long hours listening to the words of God.
– I have been healed completely of a serious urinary tract infection which would typically recur after being re-exposed to the triggers (public toilet and sometimes a dirty public toilet in the hostel).
– I have been healed of a recurrent malaria attack. It’s more than 2 years now and I haven’t taken anti malaria medication.
– Relationship with my family, especially my dad has been healed.
– God has helped me through my academic journey, and helped me obtain my Bachelor of Pharmacy degree.
