LT03 | I Wanted To Be A Porn Star

[PART 1] An Abusive Nanny

Growing up was hell for me. When I was a child, my mum went on a sabbatical leave for more than two years, so my brother and I were sent to live with our grandparents. My mum’s cousin was our nanny.

She was wicked and brutal, and would flog me for no reason, then threaten to hurt me if I mentioned it to anybody. I have a scar where she stabbed me with a knife. She did a lot of unthinkable things to me. She would have me steal huge sums of money for her and get a gift in return. I once got a crest with my name; this continued for days, then years. She was also sexually active, and would use me to practice, so she sexually molested me.

I brooded on my anger and hatred, and I became brutal, especially when people tried to prove a point – I remember she would command our driver’s son to beat me. It was like I was in a fight for survival. He often won, but one fateful day, I beat him up mercilessly and hit his mouth with a stone – he lost a few teeth. I hated fighting because of that experience.

Afterwards, my mum came back permanently, and I hated her from the bottom of my heart. I was stubborn.

[Part 2] A Tough Shell…

I always looked like I had it all, strong and brave, but inside, I was dying and I needed help. I was also suicidal. Whenever I got angry, I’d run away from the house and trek long distances until I felt better. Being angry made me eat a lot too.

My parents never had time for me; in fact, I was like the mother of the house, cooking, going to the market and doing all the house chores – they just provided the money. I hid my emotions, so nobody knew what I was going through.

[Part 3] Living with My Demons

Pornography and masturbation were personal demons. I suffered for nine years, I couldn’t tell anyone, so I poured out my feelings by writing poems –really emotional poems. I hated girls, so I found comfort around guys and I acted like them. At the same time, I was a children’s church teacher and seemed really good at it, and the parents loved me. I was referred to as a practical example to their children, but I was dead inside.

My sins were loathsome; I felt that God wouldn’t forgive me for all I was doing. I was actively involved in the Scripture Union fellowship in my secondary school while battling with my personal demons. The only thing that made me happy was reading books, cooking and writing poems. I posted my poems on international websites, and got a lot of comments; people knew they were sad. I could write four lines full of torment and pain.

I prayed for God’s intervention, but since it seemed not to come, I just gave up and accepted my fate. I would use my feeding allowance to buy porn magazines, and I would save the phone numbers written on them and connect with those people. I would stay up through the night making calls or sex chatting, sending nude pictures and doing all sorts of abominable things. I didn’t have time for my age mates, and older guys didn’t come my way – I felt that was unfortunate. I was so addicted to porn that I would borrow airtime or spend all my money just to buy data.

I also watched a TV show where a celebrity said she masturbated daily, and it was just part of her. I checked online, and almost all blogs I clicked on encouraged masturbation. Once, I read a very erotic book and it laid hands (imparted) on me so deeply that I could see myself in the scene. I remember reading those pages over and over again. I really wished I could talk to someone – a real person – and not my book. I would stay up all night sometimes, just crying, hating and cursing.

At a point, it was like I needed something more; masturbation, sex calls, or chats couldn’t satisfy my urges. But I had no chance to get what I wanted, because I still had a part of me that loved God. I would cry a lot. I was tired and wanted to change; I was messed up and did not practice all that I preached to those children.

I started aspiring to be a porn actress once I travelled abroad. I remember wishing for a spirit husband like a spirit sex partner. I realized that as time passed, and I got more intense in what I was doing, it didn’t feel like I was alone. I felt I was actually sleeping with someone, and this could last for 1-2 hours.

Confused, Disappointed and Discouraged

Whenever I got a little serious with God, I would feel peace, but then I’d get stuck on the internet again. I was on so many social media platforms. I’d even use people’s pictures to create false profiles.

I wanted to be a motivational speaker, mainly because of all the experiences I had. I had a page on Facebook which was really booming, and I wrote a book at thirteen which I titled ‘The Exceptional Teenager’. I already knew my calling, but these demons of mine just haunted me. However, all I wrote about in my book was the opposite of the real me.

Days turned into months, months into years – 5, 6, 7 years – and I accepted my fate. I hated God many times.

[Part 4] The Men in My Life

I was delighted when I gained admission. In less than 4 weeks, I had a boyfriend, but he was boring so I just left him. I met another guy, and he was rich, but I had all I wanted, so I just enjoyed his company and not the money. One night, we planned to party. He lured me to his house and nearly raped me. It was really a fight to survive – he even cried just to sleep with me. I wanted to give in, but I didn’t want to look cheap, so I refused. He was just all over me. The stomach ulcer pains I had scared him (and saved me), because he didn’t want me to die or something like that. Few weeks later, I forgave him, but everything was just dry, so I broke up with him and decided to be alone.

The Killer Girl

I loved clothing that exposed the body – the rag jeans I wore were rugged. I loved crop tops and short things – I loved to dress to kill – to seduce. I’m not a very good dancer, but whenever I was in a party or such places, I could dance for hours with really seductive moves, and I made sure I got all the guys I danced with aroused before moving on.

I used to term myself as an extremist. I didn’t like to associate or get too attached to people, so a person could be my friend for years and not know me. It was like I had several personalities in me. I haven’t read ‘The Art of Seduction’ or ‘48 Laws of Power’ myself, but from what I’ve heard, I had practiced most of what is written in those books.

I felt like a boss lady; my decisions were final. If I told someone that I was going to do something, I wasn’t asking for their opinion – I was just telling them so when I had done it, they would know I told them. I gave a lot of bad advice to people and made people do really bad things.

In my opinion, if one was in a relationship, the person should enjoy it. I was picky when it came to choosing guys; the guy may not have been too handsome or ‘on point’, but if I set my eyes on him and wanted him, it wasn’t hard to get him. I could start a conversation easily, or position myself in ways that would attract him to me.

Receiving things from guys wasn’t my thing. I hated depending on people, so I only allowed the guys to buy food for me. I loved eating good food, so a guy couldn’t just take me out to buy 5-Alive (fruit juice) or a meat pie. I made sure I ate or ordered a lot, so the guy would know that I wasn’t as cheap as he thought.

I am a straightforward person, so I would tell guys I didn’t want to date, but if they wanted to prove they were men, I would play them. Also, if I felt anything for a guy, I didn’t play hard to get – I’d give the guy a free pass. I’d tell him I wanted to date him, so if he didn’t want to, I wouldn’t talk to him.

The One That Got Away…

I was quite taken with a particular guy. I wanted him so badly, so I didn’t really date anyone else. Finally, he accepted to date me, and our relationship was the ideal one to my friends. They always aspired to be like us. We were so close; we talked about almost everything, bad and good, but he wasn’t a Christian, and I was trying to bring him to church, not God. However, I accepted him that way. He would say all sorts of insane things about God, and I didn’t care, because I was blinded by lust.

I went to his house every weekend, and we lived like a couple. We committed many immoral acts, but I never allowed him to sleep with me because I felt virginity was about the hymen being intact. I had a date in my mind to sleep with him, but fortunately, God ruined those plans, and the date never came. Later, he was posted to a faraway state for the National Youth Service Corps, and communication through the phone got tiring; I needed a substitute, so I started to date another guy.

Chasing Money

I loved money seriously, and I lost quite some of it to scams and other schemes. I remember following a man old enough to be my dad. I was really after the money, and I almost slept with him, but something kept pulling me, so I told him, “Next time.” However, my ‘next time’ never came; God intervened.

[Part 5] ‘God, Don’t Call Me Now…’

I wasn’t even going to church anymore. At the most, visiting twice in a semester was okay for me; going to church in my opinion was a show of clothes and money.

God actually blessed me with mostly innocent and godly friends; in fact I am the one who corrupted them, although they kept praying for my repentance (along with other faithful people I didn’t know).

Few months before I repented, I had stopped believing in God. I had purposed in my heart to become really wild, worse than before. I was empty, lonely and hopeless. I remember praying, “Lord, I want to serve You, but I don’t know how to…” Yet, sometimes I’d say, “I know You need me but don’t call me now, let me enjoy life. Maybe when I’m 40, I’ll work for You.”

[Part 6] Two Unlikely Evangelists

Well, one day, I was going to my room enjoying the sound of Rihanna’s voice, and I met Ibim and Matilda holding Bibles. Ibim had been my roommate in my first year, and at the time she was definitely not a believer! I had also met Matilda once when I went for a modeling shoot. So, meeting them with Bibles was funny to me, especially when they told me they were on evangelism. “Hmm”, I thought, “Can anything good come out of these two?” I usually do not listen to people who try to share the Word, but I invited them to my corner with sarcastic intent, to mock them. But by the time they were done, I was already asking to follow them to church. It was funny that they seemed to say a lot of crazy, weird things I hadn’t heard before, and my roommate who overheard our discussion said it was as if they were speaking rubbish, but I was greatly blessed. I also admired their courage in going around and preaching to people, so I really wanted to be like them.

I joined them to church the next Sunday. I was all dressed up sophisticatedly to see them in casual clothing. I had to return to wear flat shoes as I realized that I was likely overdressed.

[Part 7] God’s Loving Encouragement

My walk with God wasn’t all rosy at first, I had a lot of struggles, all the images and videos I had fed my mind with kept replaying whenever I wanted to pray or study my Bible. The battle in my mind was tough, and since I had a bad habit of not opening up to people, I had to fight alone. Sometimes I’d just scream, ”God, why don’t You just give me a new brain?!” Sometimes I would feel unworthy to pray or read my bible, but I would remember 1John 2, that Jesus is my Advocate. I didn’t allow the struggle to weigh me down; I kept studying my Bible and praying because I understood that it will fade with time as I stay on in Christ.

At some point, I struggled with Bible study and prayer but I never gave up; I would repent and continue from where I stopped. I didn’t just repent (turn to the Lord) and leave my soul and spirit empty; I filled it with God’s words. I stopped watching certain movies which may be normal for anybody but to me it was a poison, listening to secular songs and reading certain books. For everything I stopped doing, I replaced with the godly version.

I also prayed a lot for a fantastic semester results, but I had 3 re-sits. (I dreamt about them twice and was told it may be a spiritual exam, but it happened in reality.) I was devastated, but someone came to my room as if the Holy Spirit told her, “You need to go talk to this girl.” She encouraged me without even knowing my problem.

God took me to Isaiah 43 at that initial point. I think I cried for a very long time after reading it, because the LOVE I felt was choking me. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I wasn’t aware of such loving promises.

[Part 8] Coming Clean – Clear Change

I broke up with the guy I was dating. God helped me, and some others stopped calling me. I made my encounter with Jesus known to my roommates and friends and within 2 weeks, people thought I was mad for the LORD. Someone told me, “The change is too sudden – I don’t trust such change. Let’s see how far you will go.”

People started asking me what happened, saying, “You’re behaving differently these days.” I stopped posting certain pictures on social media platforms, stopped attending parties, stopped drinking my favorite drinks, threw some of my clothes away and gave out the short ones.

I remember once, when we were praying, the power of God fell mightily on me. I couldn’t hold myself, and I had a few injuries and body aches. Since then, some persons saw me as a prayer warrior. However, the devil brought a lot of temptations to me. I felt bad when people mocked me for the Jesus in me, but after I confided in someone and learnt that I should expect such for the sake of the gospel, I wanted more mockery for the LORD.

[Part 9] There were challenges too

The Bible in Hebrews 10:25 says that we should not forsake the gathering of the saints. It is very important we attend church meetings if we want to grow up spiritually. My pastor always says “keep coming” and simple obedience to this has enabled me acquire the knowledge and understanding I have of God today. It is not like I didn’t feel like staying back sometimes. Of course I did; I missed a few meetings because “I didn’t feel like” attending them. Whenever I missed a meeting, I was robbed of the weapons to fight my next battles. Practical steps would be given on how to overcome laziness, lust, pride, jealousy, etc. Obeying may be difficult but when you do, there’s a marked difference, and swift obedience should be the goal. Know that these steps may sound illogical to people but they are weapons in the realm of the spirit – something as simple as “Pray for your enemies” or “Don’t talk rashly even when you are offended.”

This made me to struggle but God in his infinite mercies saw me through. Fellowship with other believers should not be forsaken because iron sharpens iron. Sitting down with my brethren and hearing them talk of how they overcame certain weights in their lives encouraged me. I could relate to them because we were within the same age bracket. This helped me as I always thought “my pastor won’t understand” because he was older. Nevertheless, he always did because he too was once young.

Also, I found it hard communicating my problems to my shepherd (the specific leader assigned to help me) even after repeated instructions to the house to imbibe the habit of doing so. When I started obeying, solving my problems became very easy. I received godly counsel from my shepherd which was usually the opposite of what I planned to do.

Personal devotion, obedience/submission to authority should be taken seriously, because no matter what you hear people preach, if you don’t have a personal relationship with God, the word of God will be like the seed that never germinated (Matthew 13).

[Part 10] God’s Word in My Mouth

I used to feel that God doesn’t speak to me, but I realized that He does every day. I wanted to hear from him in my own way, I didn’t pay attention to how He chose to talk to me. God talks to everyone, if only we will pay attention to that still small voice.

When I learned to pay attention to God and desire to do things through His ways and not mine, I had peace and joy that even if I don’t feel him around, he’s actually with me, watching over me. Through those period of seeming silence, I learnt to talk to God and hear him, I would often tell people that this is the best aspect of the walk I have had with God, because I’ve learnt to walk by faith and not by sight. The Holy Spirit became my friend, I felt so close to God even in that wilderness season. The wilderness season is for us to learn to walk by faith and not by sight; not for us to murmur and fall away from God.

Now God would talk to me, not necessarily audibly or through visions but through my spirit, songs, a video, a word on someone’s cloth or even a joke and I can hear him; I’m more sensitive to him.

I will receive words of knowledge for people, and even when I’m frightened to tell them, I obey because obedience is the strategy, and it’s so accurate and many times they repent and are happy that God loves them. I can’t keep His words to myself, so I just go out and preach it. I want people to hear about God; I want them to know Him.

I believe the word of Jesus in Mark 16:17-18 so when anyone is sick, I’ll pray for them and they get healed, some instantaneously while some may be over some time. I believe God’s promises should follow me as His child.

Now, I am an unashamed Christian. I can boldly preach and pray for anyone anywhere. I read my bible and pray every day. If I don’t read my bible or have my personal devotions, I feel weak and encounter a lot of temptations…

I know I still have flaws, and I am not perfect yet, but I know that one day, I will get there.

Sister F., who is a graduate of Pharmacy, has continued to grow in the knowledge of God. She is always excited to share about God’s goodness and power with everyone she comes across, and has been used by God to impact the lives of different people, bringing them to see that He is rich in mercy, and will never turn away those who come to Him.
She can be reached via email at testifiers@g-lh.org