Self-awareness is the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts or emotions do or don’t align with your internal standards.
In my case, I was consumed with this self-awareness — a conscious effort where one’s eyes are always on his or herself. How I walked, talked, gestured, laughed or even smiled was an issue to me. I was so conscious of how people looked at me and what they thought about me and it greatly affected me.
While in secondary school, I think in my JSS3, I had a bunk mate who was in SS3. She was among the kindest seniors and used to walk like a doll; catwalks– you know, swaying her hips as she walked. She was slim, just like me and walked very slowly. I really admired her and to me, her walking step was marvelous so I planned to copy it.
One day, I got the opportunity to walk behind her on the way to our room in the hostel so I watched her every move. Before I knew it, I began walking like her. It was also easy to imitate her walking step because I was always around her being that she was my bunk partner.
One or two years later, after she graduated, people began to notice I walked like her as the walking step was now part of me. Since people loved it, I loved it and this moved me to perfect the walking step to suit my style.
Normally, I would be shy/cowardly to speak where people are, especially if I didn’t know anyone there. I’d comport myself and behave like a quiet, calm girl even though this wasn’t who I was. On the inside, I was very noisy but I was afraid of how other people would see me and what they’d think about me. I also think this was mixed with some pride.
I was constantly aware of myself in a wrong way and didn’t know what to call this affliction until I was shown a vision sometime in 2020/2021 after I came to God’s Lighthouse.
It was during one of our tarry meetings in church, all my attention was focused on pastor as he taught when suddenly, I was shown my secondary school dining hall where I sensed something like a spirit enter me; this happened in 2017. Then I heard, “self-awareness”. Even though my eyes were still on pastor, I didn’t hear what he shared while seeing that vision (at that time I didn’t even know it was a vision I saw as I was somewhat new to the prophetic).
During the Passover retreat in 2021, Pastor mentioned the spirit of ‘self awareness’ and explained its role. I can’t remember if I got delivered during this retreat or in another meeting but, I began noticing changes in my life from last year (2022), especially during meetings where pastor – whose humor is just wonderful – would crack a joke and I’d laugh so hard not caring who was looking at me or not.
This is me who barely laughed much before I gave my life to Christ, maybe due to this self awareness affliction, me wondering who’ll be looking at me or whose eyes are on me; or due to depression or just pure pride. Life back then was a bit sad, you know. Actually, life without God is boring and dry.
I also noticed that during worship, whether personal or corporate, my eyes/focus would be on Jesus only. I wasn’t concerned about those around me, if they were looking at how my eyes were closed or how I was singing. I was able to get lost in His presence.
Now, I don’t care much about whose eyes are on me or not, or how I walk, gesture, smile, eat and many other things. I’ve learnt to take my eyes off myself and focus more on God. Now, if you ask me how I did the latter part, I’m not really sure. Perhaps God handled that one for me because I just found myself looking more and more into Him.
I’m thanking God for delivering me from the spirit of self awareness and helping me take my eyes off myself and focus more on Him.
I’ve also come to understand that my deliverance is an ongoing process. It’s something I’ll have to keep fighting for. It’s a form of dying to self. And I believe that as the Lord helps me die daily, I’ll conquer the enemy called self totally, by His grace.
Praise God.
