I witnessed my younger sister die while attempting to cross the road on our way to a church meeting. It was a two-way traffic, my family had successfully crossed the first part and were standing at the centre of the road (on the road divider) waiting for the right time to cross the second part of the road. Suddenly, I shrugged off from the grip of the person holding me and crossed the road without warning. My younger sister who was just 5 years, and going to be 6 in two days’ time was held by my mum. When she saw that I had crossed, she too shrugged off from my unsuspecting mother’s grip to catch up with me, and in the process, she was hit by an oncoming vehicle. She was thrown up in the air, and landed hitting her head really hard on the side of the gutter. She died instantly. My mother was so traumatized that she lay on the road weeping. I was about 13 years old.
I began to struggle with depression to the extent that I would consider killing myself, but I was always restrained somehow. I thought that if I hadn’t crossed the road that day, my sister wouldn’t have tried to follow me and wouldn’t have been knocked down by a moving vehicle. Something in me always accused me of being the cause of my sister’s death even when my parents did not accuse me. I was suicidal in the sense that I would walk carelessly on a busy road and not care about a car hitting me. I wanted to end my life. However, God in His mercy didn’t allow it.
I listened to a lot of depressing music too. One of my favourite songs then was titled “Show me the meaning of being lonely” sang by one of the popular musicians back then. I remember that in that music video, a young lady had been knocked down by a moving bus too, so listening to the song brought back memories of my late sister. As I grew older, I didn’t get depressed often anymore. The event was now like an old wound which hurt when intense pressure was applied. But I noticed that I didn’t have the normal human response to danger – avoiding it. I was drawn to danger and would hear a voice telling me, “let us die now!” Once, I walked in the midst of a gun fire between the police and armed robbers. I wanted to die, so I did a lot of risky and daring things.
I lost touch of emotions. I recall that I didn’t cry after my sister died until about three or four years ago. I could term myself an emotionless person. Her death also desensitized me to bloody or horrific death scenes. I was comfortable seeing traumatic deaths and felt no sympathy. I felt I had opened up myself to a demon of murder. Even after I gave my life to Christ at the Law Students fellowship in the University (CLASFON) where Pastor Ita came to preach, very little changed. I would still get depressed occasionally, and want to indulge in risky things like consistently crossing the road without checking for oncoming vehicles.
During the Passover retreat, Pastor mentioned the case of blood guilt and prayed, commanding the demon of blood guiltiness to be gone. He told us something to the effect that we had no reason to be guilty of the loss of a loved one which in turn leads to depression as my case was. When I heard this, something happened in my heart. The guilt of my sister’s death left. I experienced a lightness that had been missing for years. I knew then that my deliverance had come. Since then, I’ve not had any episode of depression! I had stopped listening to the depressing songs I sought solace in, after I came to God’s Lighthouse as we were taught in the Believers Bible School about the effect of music in the ‘Laying On of Hands’ class. I realized that I became more conscious of risky behaviour as I occasionally caught myself looking left, right and then left again before crossing the road. I no longer want to die; I have so much to live for.
Me who used to be void of emotions, now has compassion for dying people or their relatives and this wasn’t the case before now. I am now able watch a movie and cry when it touches me, like normal people do. In fact, I’ve cried for no reason a few times, at such times I think I am overwhelmed with emotions which was almost impossible in the past. My heart is softer now. And my moods are more stable now. When I struggled with depression, it usually came with mood swings. I could be very happy one minute, and then very sad or angry the next minute. Even when people around me had a reason to celebrate or be happy, I could turn a blind eye to them. But now, I am able to balance my emotions. I rejoice with those who are rejoicing and mourn with those who are mourning.
The Lord is indeed good and I am grateful for His dealings in my life. Amen
Interesting story