The Suicidal Soldier

For as long as I can remember, I battled with anxiety, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It began when I was much younger. I had been abused verbally, emotionally and sexually in the past — enough times to mess up my mind forever. It was really bad. I’m presently 21 years old, and I have attempted suicide 32 times and survived.
I was diagnosed with mental illnesses when I was younger and placed on antidepressants and therapy but I don’t think it ever really worked for years. It got better sometimes, but it never stayed better. I went through different therapists because I was a very difficult person to deal with and I would always wear them out.
I can’t really tell what triggered depression in me each time. Looking back now, I see it was purely demonic. I could see a wall gecko in the room, or perhaps even look at birds through the window and next thing, I’m feeling all sad and envious that they have better lives than I have. For me, depression was like an uphill battle. I feared that at any moment, something could happen that would make me spiral back down to rock bottom. Depression felt like drowning. Picture being stuck in a river but you can’t swim and so you drown; but each time you drown, you come back to life only to go through the horror of drowning again. And this happened over and over again.
Anxiety was really suffocating. I would get anxiety attacks at very weird moments. I found it difficult to leave the house because I’d be so worried and scared of the unknown. I’d be stuck in my room for days, even weeks sometimes, crippled with anxiety and terrified to even look out the window. Between depression and anxiety, I don’t know which was worse.
I always believed mental illnesses had no bearing with our spiritual lives. I never really said this out loud, but it was just there somewhere at the back of my mind that God couldn’t do anything about my mental health. And so even after coming to God’s Lighthouse, I’d ignore warnings from my discipler and Pastor Ita Udoh to stop seeing and talking to paid therapists. I would even buy un-recommended anti-depressants.
There were seasons when the Prophetic Intercessory Team would pray for me concerning depression and suicidal tendencies. I remember I once got an eye drop I heard was poisonous, and ingested it with the hope that I wouldn’t wake up after I slept, but I did. Sometime after then, Pastor called me and spoke to me about my attempt at suicide. He told me not to do it again. Then he prayed for me.
However, I got my deliverance from depression and suicidal thoughts during the Passover Conference held in April 2021. I probably wouldn’t have believed I was delivered if the process was not as dramatic as it was. As Pastor prayed, he mentioned the different things people were bound by, and asked people to come out per category. When the category of depression and suicide was called out, I suddenly felt the urge to run out of the hall. I also felt very sleepy which was quite unlike me as I barely slept in church meetings. I also remembered the other times I fell under the power of God and I didn’t want a similar occurrence at that time.
My discipler came to where I was standing and asked me to go out for prayers, and not feel embarrassed. I obeyed. The last thing I remember was a lot of hands that weren’t human wrapped around my neck, trying to strangle me – I was choking and couldn’t understand what was going on around me. It felt like I was watching what was happening to my body yet I was too weak to do anything about it. There was some contention over me… the hands were dragging me on one side, and Pastor and bro U. (one of the leaders) were pulling me on the other side. Then I heard the song “Mercy says no” playing repeatedly in the background. Then I blanked out.
When I came to myself, I was told that I was strangling myself, but what I saw was a lot of demons strangling me. I also saw a lot of finger marks on my neck.Then, I felt as though I was trapped in my mind because I couldn’t say if I was shouting physically or in my mind while confessing another attempt at taking my life which I had hidden after Pastor had clearly told me not to. This was an open door – hidden sin which had given the demons a right to harass me. I was also willing did not want to let it go because I thought, “If this demon is cast out, how will I have the courage I need to attempt suicide?” After I confessed (where I was trapped) to Pastor and bro U., they were able to pull me out from the grip of the demons on the other side.
In these past five (5) months following the Conference, I have been acting in unbelief, waiting for something to confirm what I used to think – that mental illnesses couldn’t be cured spiritually, but nothing has. In August, the result for a major exam I wrote came out and I failed. Yes I was sad and pushed people away, but I didn’t go back to throwing tantrums, cursing God and even cutting myself physically (Pastor taught me that such acts were sacrifices to demons).I’ve had a lot of experiences that would have made me seek solace in the cold arms of depression, but each time no matter how hard it was, I always found myself running back to God and to my discipler. The depressive episodes I used to suffer from are no longer there. God be praised. Amen!